Prisoner of me..

i want to feel free, free to go out and feel good..

Haven´t been at work this week :( not feeling social.. actually scared of people.. just want to stay alone..
I´ve been so tired lately that i could sleep 24/7, seems like my energy has been drained.. totally gone..
well, today i got to go to shower at least and change clothes.. Just feeling low..
Bad week and really, really hope it gets better soon.. Hate to be this way.

arf..

Today i´m feeling low.. feeling ugly and useless.. and sad..
my motivation has disappeared, lost and gone... Hope it comes back soon!
I wish that i was pretty, and normal.. would go out to dance and meet people, feel comfortable... Not just dreaming how life could be.

ARGH! How can you hate yourself this much.. :´(

Oh shit! how much i hate cleaning.

hRumph.

Today i was at the stables working a bit, and my back said snap :(
I have had lots of problems with my back before too, nerve gets squeezed and i sometimes lose feeling from my legs.. and hurts like HELL!
Not that bad this time though, just feels bad from back and down :(
And because that i missed Zumba today.. and i feel sad because i really like Zumba, it is hard and tough, makes me sweat like hell but it FEELS SO GOOD!
Exercise that i actually enjoy.. in there i actually forget that i am the biggest person in the room, and just enjoy the music and moving.. and it is good way to burn calories.. I try to go there twice a week, and i am so proud of myself that i in the first place went there..

i don´t like to go to places where is lots of people (and least to exercise!!) I feel very insecure and not good at all, it feels like everyone is pointing at me or staring.. probably just in my head but.. hate it. I don´t like to go visit frieds, go out, go shopping or go anywhere.. it just doesn´t feel good, getting angst just about thinking of those things...
i hate to go to restaurants, have to think that will those chairs take my weight, or will they crash under me.. do i fit to sit there.. what do i dare to order that people don´t think that "that fat girl should just get a salad" or something..

If there is anyone actually reading this, feel free to ask questions..

Starting up, little bit of history..

So.. here i am, writing about myself.. such an attention whore, you might say.. Maybe so, but i want to tell people how it is to be and feel the way i am.

Here is some facta about me,

- 25 years old

- 163cm "tall"

- max weight has been 163kg! and it is going down..

- i am shy at first, but after getting to know me i usually don´t shut my mouth :)
Of course i have GRREAT sense of humour, i am very open minded and relaxed..
I think i am quite moody, one point i can be all smiles and next tell you to go to hell..

- sometimes i am depressed, then i am really down, would like to sleep all the time.. even getting to the shower is difficult then :( when i am down i am really down.. it is like a rollercoaster.. Ups and downs, when i am up i´m really happy and have lots of energy and when i am down, i totally gone.. nothing interests me, i don´t care.. it´s hard.. Been on medication too but quit it because it didn´t me any good..

- Have tried many many MANY diets, they work when you´re on them but it all comes back with some extra!

-I am getting a Gastric Bypass, this year i hope.. i have to go down to 130kg, and then! then it is operation time.. :D i will write some facts about the whole operation here too..

-I am married, and that gives me so much strenght.. My husband is so awesome, the best thing ever happened to me.. He makes me feel incredible good about myself and supports me so much.. without i him i would be dead already, for sure.
Of course somedays he makes me feel like crap aswell, but mostly not intended.. just i twist things in my head and usually always think the worst of everything..

- i will never get kids. that is by my/our own choice..
Kids are ok, when they´re not ours.. it´s not just something for us.. we love each other and don´t want to share with anyone i guess.. or maybe i am just selfish, want to keep him just to myself and enjoy time by travelling and doing things without having that much resbonsibility.. :D

- i am a HUGE twilight fan.. Huge in size and huge in almost obsessed way.. :D
I love the books, movies, EVERYTHING that has something to do about the whole thing.. But i guess i am not the only one.. i am that first one :D

- i have promised to give myself presents/awards when i have lost weight.. like maybe every -5 or -10kg and so on and so on..
Have to make list of things that i want later ;)


Gonna write more stuff here... when i get to think what.. :D